In the words of Ziggy Marley...

I'm on a beach in Hawaii and I feel I have committed writers sin:

I forgot to pack my journal.

I've got sketchbooks, novels, tibetan literature... and no lined pages to fill.

So I figured I will use my blog as a journal for the time being.

I'm on the island of Maui for the first time in my life.
In a small beach town called Paia.
I swear this town is run by 20 something year olds.
My parents love it.

I'm with my immediate family in a little beach house on the ocean.
I'm sitting outside on a big patio that has a 60 inch tv on the wall.
Tropical plants are crowding us in, birds are flying around me.
And this morning a tiny lizard crawled out the sink drain.

My skin is flushed and my pores are clear.
My hair gets this wave to it in tropical regions.
As a very white redhead, sometimes I think I am meant to live in a tropical place.
It feels better to my body.

I'm struggling with some concepts I learned in my Women's studies classes.
Some feminists believe that those of us who travel to hawaii
are hypothetically "raping" the hula girl.
The white man corrupted the land to only live off of tourism.
So they depend on us completely for their well being.

The white man visits with his family,
pays insane rates for hotels and visits traditional luaus.
And while he may think that he is helping the islands with his dollar,
he is further destructing the ancient cultures of the land.

I have a lot of friends from Hawaii.
I've had a lot of conversations on this topic with locals.
While I get the idea of the hula girl being deculturized,
I simply don't think I agree with the entire philosophy.
(and have yet to find a native who agrees as well).
But I've only been here three days: I'm in no position to give my own educated thought.

I'm enjoying the peacefulness of this space.
I had terrible nightmares all night and woke up sweating and nervous.
I stepped outside and could hear the waves, singing birds, warm air.
Anxiety fades away very quickly in this climate.

I think its time for a morning jacuzzi,
singing off.

Jane.

Another trip around the sun...

Our great Earth is in constant motion.
Spinning on its own axis
Revolving around a hot, fiery sun.

As humans we gather to celebrate
each revolution, 365 days long.
Parties, lights, explosives.

I'm a sucker for a fresh start.
I start over every full moon
checking in on new moons.

But every revolution
holds so much potential
for serious self rejuvenation.

This year I chose to get radical.
After the excitement of the stroke of midnight wore off,
I deleted all of the social media apps on my phone.
Vowed to avoid them on my computer.
To cherish my soul and experience a detox.
A purge of vanity, selfies and desire.

I hope that it can relieve a stagnant distress living inside of me.
Because with this purification, I will be letting go of attachment.
I will release all expectations of myself and others.
Dispelling how I want people to be, and letting them simply be.
In return I can release my own personal strictness of self,
and allow my soul and spirit to just be.

Well, for the past five days I've been working at it.
Reading more news and editorial literature.
Writing in my journal more and checking off my todos.
Learning more about my crystals and oracle decks.
Meditating more, playing music, painting.

But I still haven't shaken that nasty habit
of curling up with my phone
like its a good book or a cute puppy
and staring into the screen in hopes of being entertained.

Compassionate Resilience.

This morning my alarm went off at 7am.
As it woke me my brain was already brimming with worry.
Because today I will be marching with my fellow activists
to demand a stronger agreement at COP21
and also to follow New York state in taking Exxon to trial
for lying and knowingly putting the Earth at risk.

I fell asleep thinking about the island nations.
Cultures I will never experience myself
tribes of unique humans, physically separated
from the rest of the globe.
I suddenly see how landlocked I truly am.
Living in this South Western city,
I will hardly experience the truest damages of climate change.
Yes my desert summers are increasingly scorching.
And as winter snowfall decreases, so does out water supply.
But we are urban dwellers, rich in wealth and amenities.
My studies have not led me to worry for my people to adapt
when the world rises a full 2 degrees C.

Today I wake in worry for the small islands.
Micronesia, the Maldives, Fiji...
Tropical paradises beaming with life and light.
Places where ancient cultures live in modernity.
Relationships with Gaia are pure and practices.
These nations are harming nobody,
these nations are living vibrant, healthy human lives.

Unfortunately, our excess is putting that health at stake.
Slowly, the hot oceans liquefy even the biggest glaciers.
Ocean tides are working their way in.
In towards the village, flooding the rich cropland.
Worsening every year, just like the heat in my deserts.
The high-water overflow comes back each season
with more vengeance, eating away at the smallest islands.
How can humans adapt to their entire world's under water?

Well here's the reality; some nations do, some don't.
Some nations care, some turn their heads.
I see this collective of ignorant bystanders.
A wall of backs on those who need it most.
Those we have harmed with our capitalist way of life.
My empathetic heart is under immense weight.
As my alarm chimed at 7am,
I was flooded with tears in a moments time.

This emotional outbreak was unlike anything regular.
The tears were not for the self or the ego, not even the soul.
These were the most selfless tears I've ever experienced.
The heaviness on my heart was for all those we have turned our backs on.
Every homeless man I didn't give money to.
Every country I ignorantly traveled through for materialist purposes.
The communities that have never seen a factory, living the externalities.
I'm seeing people of all races, all classes and cultures.
We have failed each other, and my heart has fallen under the pressure.

I allow myself to experience the first true breakdown as an environmentalist.
Everything else fell away and pure compassionate sadness for Gaia took me down.
I sat with the feelings and felt a cynical push to keep doing what I think is right.
I put on my red leggings, layers of coats, gloves, hat.
Pulled out my #Justice poster and flattened it down with my hands.
This is my movement, this is my calling, my sadness cannot deter me.

I walked out the door just around sunrise to pick up my baby sister
and march with the small but compassionate crown of environmental activists
in my great town of Salt Lake City.
To every one that was there for justice today, I so humbly and admirably thank you.
These issues are not easy, these issues are not happy.
But marching with a team of those who DIDN'T turn their backs on humanity,
That is a reason to march forth and be happy. We are a small family in a big movement.
And we shall overcome.

My baby sister at her first protest!!